Nothing you say will convince me otherwise.
Tired. On my 7th cup of coffee. I can feel myself vibrating. YouTube Notifications and Google Alerts haunt my phone. As I read articles after articles, watch videos after videos and check out Twitter’s trending page. Hopelessness and despair fill every fiber of my being. I’m not the only one, you’ve felt it too. Multiple times. In fact, let’s be honest, we’ve all felt it. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. Defeat.
It’s not information overload. It’s not fatigue. It’s not an overthinking problem. It’s the Motherfucking World. It’s not safe for us out there anymore. The whole world has gone topsy-turvy. Dark days lay ahead. Really dark days. I’ve stopped leaving the house. So have you. So have a lot of the people you know. Friends, allies, family and acquaintances don’t understand. They seem to empathize with you, to know exactly what to say, but does it just stop there?
God forbid you open up to the people you trust.
Most days you sit at home, alone and scared, watching news channels and reading up about the cause and everything you have to do for it. The enemy seemed like a small pool of crazies that had an opinion for you on Twitter and those who lay behind authority — usually draped in blue uniform or a black robe. You were able to spot them miles away and what do you do? You tilt your head to the ground hoping and wishing it wouldn’t be you. You look to the ground in submission — I do that too. We don’t want to die. Today, the enemy is the people you know and the people you don’t. These people are your colleagues that pass snide remarks, that guy on the train that watches QAnon videos or someone that looks like you but refer to themselves as “Oh, I’m not like them.”
A black police officer being chased by white supremacists in Capitol Hill. A confederate flag is being waved in the people’s office. A black man pinned down by a cop that chokes him to death whilst he wheezed, “I can’t breathe”. A President who incites violence and taints Democracy. New Day. New Hell. For him, his protestors were mere pawns in a bigger game — Why? Because he was butt-hurt. The question now is: Do you prosecute the pawns or the chess player?
Every time we get a chance to get ahead they move the finish line.— Mary Jackson
You grow tired and angry. Your body aches and your mind is on constant alert as you try to consciously fight your own internal prejudices
- while maintaining a healthy diet;
- while being a smart consumer and shop sustainably;
- while keeping updated on the news;
- while working 12-hour days at your job;
- while trying to stay sane.
Still, through the aches, pains, sleepless nights and the occasional panic attacks — You persevere.
Oh and let’s not forget. We are people of color. So, let’s pile on, shall we?
- Colorism/Racism;
- Getting viciously attacked online for merely existing;
- Relatives that constantly talk about your complexion/weight;
- The constant skin whitening products that always seem to pop up on your Instagram feed;
- Favoritism.
Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon.— Hermione Granger
I could go on but I don’t want to have a panic attack and feel overwhelmed. Again. It just doesn’t end, does it? You’d think educating your relatives about your color would be easy but — *rolls eyes*.
It’s not 2020, it’s not the pandemic. It’s not woke-ism. It’s basic respect, really. There’s only so much Beyonce you can listen to in a day. On repeat. There’s no “Let’s take a break from everything” for us. It’s constant work. I’m not complaining. I just want you to know why we get grumpy sometimes. I apologize if I don’t have a smile on my face when I see you and can’t seem to have a good time during a Netflix Party. *Not!*
At this point, if this seems like a rant to you, it’s really not. It’s our life.
So now, this pegs the question. How do we move forward? Well, the answer to that is keep persevering. Like many before us and the ones who come after us. Keep educating yourself and the people around you. Just keep at it and don’t ever, EVER give up and then we just might have a chance at basic human rights. I pray that someday and someday soon, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you well.
